“What are you doing?”

Talking with you. What are you doing?

“What’s on your mind?”

Well, you know, the usual.

“What’s happening?”

Umm, not much. I’m still talking with you. What’s happening with you?

“What interests you?”

You sure are interested in me. You’re not one of those online predators I hear about on the TV, are you?

“What are you working on?”

I’m not sure that’s any of your business.

“Share your photos.”

With you? I barely know you! Are you sure you’re not an online predator?

“Share something.”

I fear I spend too much time on the Internet as a crutch to avoid thinking about the crushing sameness of each and every day as well as the black hollowness of my soul. There, I said it. Are you happy now?

Also, when you look at it, all these web 2.0 sites sure are nosey. And they ask a lot of the same questions.

“What do you want to talk about?”

Oh nevermind.

“Connect with Facebook.”

I think that’s my problem.

“Abort, Retry, Fail?”

Hey! I’m talking to Web 2.0 here, you’re in the wrong conversation.

“I’m Feeling Lucky”

I definitely think you’re an online predator now.

“The conversation has been moved to the Trash.”

I’ve just finished off a nice bottle of Lagunitas Maximus beer. It’s a higher alcohol content version of their IPA, and is quite tasty. I have also been known to enjoy a bottle of Spaten Optimator, which also is a higher alcohol content version of their regular lager. Maximus. Optimator. Sensing a theme? With that in mind, I have some suggestions for other possible beer names:

• Mess-you-up Quickinator
• Throbbing Destructor
• Gigantinous Hugenator
• Stupendous Mistake
• Destructimus Relationships
• Hangover Extremus
• Penisious Compensator
• Markus Shouldn’t Blogimus After Drinkingatoring

Clearly I have a future in beer marketing. Other suggestions? Leave them in the comments.

The San Jose Sharks were eliminated from the playoffs on Monday. It was a fun
season this year, but they kind of fell apart at the end. So, as a member of the
bay area community, I find myself watching the Golden State Warriors as they
advance through the playoffs. But there are too many stoppages of play in the
NBA. You get about 5 seconds of action, and then everyone stops for 10 minutes.
It seems to me that the NBA could borrow some ideas from the NHL and create a
better basketball experience. So, without further ado, my suggestions:

• Rolling line changes. In the NBA, to substitute someone, you have to wait
  for a stoppage in play. Then a horn blows. What’s with that horn, anyways???
  Did the inventor of basketball have some sort of freight train fetish?
  Anyways, the horn toots, and the new player is allowed in. Forget that; let
  players come in and out of the game at will. It works for hockey, it’ll work
  here, and it’ll speed up the game.
• Reduce the number of timeouts. I’m not positive, but I believe each team
  gets about 50 full time outs and 35 short time outs. Per period! Boring! Cut
  that to 1 time out per game, like hockey. 
• Power plays. Again, I’m not sure, but I believe each team gets 20 fouls per
  period and then the other team starts shooting free-throws. That’s rather
  arbitrary, isn’t it? And again, it slows down the game. Forget that. Have
  delayed penalties. You get 5 fouls without a stoppage. After the 5th foul,
  the other team goes on a power play, for 2 minutes. Get rid of the
  free-throw, it doesn’t belong in the game.
• Longer periods and more players. With the above improvements, there will be
  fewer stoppages, and periods will go faster. Switch to three 20 minute
  periods and increase the roster size to deal with the increased playing
  time.

Make these changes and I’ll be the first in line for season tickets!